I recently interviewed a woman by the name of Deb Tack.  Her story will be heard on two of my upcoming shows.  It is absolutely movie material.  But one thing she brought up was this: that even though she is a mommy now, and even though she eventually became pregnant, once…she still has moments of pain from the suffering she went through.  The fact that it wasn’t an easy trip like many women have it, is something that still bothers her, at times, today.  She referred to it as an ‘eternal scar’.  

This made me come to terms with my deep-seeded pain that infertility bestowed upon me…and Deb was even fortunate enough to become pregnant once, and deliver a healthy baby.  I have never, nor will ever feel that experience.  And it is something that, though usually buried deep inside, is and always will be a somewhat open wound for me.  I will leave this earth never knowing what it feels to have life grow inside of me…and, if I think about that, even for a brief moment, it does still, sometimes, bother the hell out of me.  And I wonder why this had to happen to me.  And I become angry.  And I think of how different my life would have been, and how different my marriage would have been, and how different my emotional state would have been, if infertility didn’t kick me down to my lowest low and put me into my darkest place for so many years.

 I guess what I’m trying to say is that, now I have this amazing little baby girl, whom I would not be able to live without.  But it’s ok for me…and all of us…even though we may have been blessed by now, to still have those moments of sadness and loss from NOT being ‘the norm’….not being one of the women who says to her friends ‘yeah, we decided we’re going to get pregnant within the next month or two and have a Spring baby’…and then goes ahead and does it.  Those women have NO clue as to what we’ve been through.  And though we don’t want to go around feeling sorry for ourselves…living the ‘victim’ role…we have the right to allow ourselves those moments of silent, sad reflection…we earned it.